Totally non-canon - please don't burn us at the stake.

Origin stories are a thing these days, as well as reboots. Are the bible stories too - er - sacred that they cannot - uh - be tweaked? While it has been said you cannot add or remove from the Word of God, much of the bible stories we hear have been twiddled with to death, having been "disneyfied" or "sanitized" to spare kids these days of the drama and trauma in the bible. So how heretical is this compared to the mush we were fed with? Consider this as fanfic, but if this takes a life of its own, at least our myth is cuter than your myth.